Jealousy

2 Jan

If you love something, set it free like a butterfly.

If it comes back, it’s yours.

If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.

Years ago, I had a plaque with these words, in a prominent place on my wall, to remind me that …

Actually, they didn’t remind me of anything, because I was too afraid of losing what I thought I LOVED to someone else.

Today I understand…well, I TELL MYSELF, that IF I truly loved someone, that it means allowing that person to be their own person.  That it is not my place to dictate to that person who they can be friends with and who they can care about.   I can’t say that IF I were in a relationship today that I wouldn’t feel possessive of the person…I haven’t been in that kind of relationship for a long time…

I do know that BACK THEN, when I was in a relationship with someone I “loved”, I couldn’t see past my own insecurities to truly want that person to continue friendships with people of the opposite sex.   I know I tried to be the kind of person who could accept that friendships with other people were not threats to my relationship.   Often it was a losing battle…because I didn’t want to “set it free” and wait to see if “it” would come back to me.

Tonight I was asked to STOP BEING FRIENDLY with a person of the opposite sex in order that another person FEEL BETTER.  I was asked to STOP BEING MYSELF because my “actions” made someone else feel insecure about her relationship with a man I’ve been friends with for 10 years…FRIENDS, nothing more.   Never romantically involved, never physically involved, never emotionally involved.   A friend.  Nothing more.

I will do as I have been asked, but I know, now, that the fear and doubt this other person feels has nothing to do with me or my actions.  There will always be doubt and fear whether I’m living in the same city or in another part of the world.  That’s what jealousy does to us…it makes us crazy, makes us face the fear of loss.

I tried to explain to the person delivering the message for me to stop being who I am, that it will make no difference what I do or don’t do…the person who is so afraid of losing “her man” will continue to be afraid, continue to be doubtful.

I know, because I’ve been that person.  Perhaps I still am, but I won’t have to face those feelings again, because I choose to be alone.

What does that say about me?  Just how “grown up” am I?

🙂

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2 Responses to “Jealousy”

  1. Glen Kilpatrick January 9, 2011 at 12:29 PM #

    I dispute the plaque; people don’t work in accord with all these trite sayings (some of them contradict each other, after all).

    But that’s not my point here. What does this essay say about you? To me, it’s that you’re Approaching Wisdom. As the ancient Greeks put it, “Know Thyself”, and you’re almost there.

    Yes, getting old means losing faculties (http://www.susannola.com/1213/so-you-think-you-want-to-be/); just remember that you’ve had hardfought victories too, you’ve gained some too.

    • SusanNola January 9, 2011 at 1:04 PM #

      You are still reading!!!! I didn’t think anyone was! 🙂 yeah, I’m Approaching Wisdom alright! Something I didn’t write in the blog post, or at least, I don’t remember writing was that within a short time of having been told that I was causing someone else pain, I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t figure out WHY I was angry with the person who relayed the message that I wasn’t to be “too flirty” (WHICH I AM NOT!! That is another person’s interpretation of my actions!!!!) and for me to stop expressing joy at seeing someone I hadn’t seen in some time…but after a short time had passed I realized that my feeling of having been blindsided, when learning that a person I THOUGHT like me actually couldn’t bear to be around me, was that I was ONCE AGAIN being asked to “BE SOMEONE ELSE”. Don’t be yourself. I can write “what I am doing is causing others pain” instead of “Who you are causes other people pain.” But the truth is that my actions didn’t cause ANYTHING AT ALL. It’s the person VIEWING me as something threatening, they are they one who “NEEDS TO CHANGE”. I still want to contact the woman, to try to make her understand…but I expect I’d just make it worse. She lost her oldest daughter this past year, unexpectedly. Perhaps her fear of loss, and her reaction to my asking Bill out for a Christmas dinner, is what is behind this irrational believe that I’m “sharing” her man. There are enough topics in this response to keep a therapist at work for a couple of weeks!!!

      I haven’t yet, SHAME SHAME, taken the time to read your blog. And now, I’m taking AARP Tax Aide classes, and start CERT classes on Monday. Still working, when I have work to do with the website and the newspaper layout…AND, attending to the cries for computer help from friends and family. I fit my dancing lessons in there every Monday for 3 hours…and am CONSCIOUS that I want to walk or do some kind of exercise each day (that doesn’t always happen, like posting every day in 2011 hasn’t happened).

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