Cruella, another alter… (see May 21 Post: Women & Broomsticks, for explanation)

20 Feb

There is a personality, a rather nasty one, who takes over on occasion.   Cruella is a very good name for the entity…

I’ve never been a perfectly patient person.   Oh, I can often fake being patient.   And, I do.   I also STRIVE to be patient, to be kind, to be nice.

But there are moments, moments which I look back on and CRINGE…those times when someone inadvertently, and unknowingly, risks their life and limb by asking me to do something I am not prepared to do, or something I don’t want to do, or something I’d rather not do, especially when I’m tired and feeling under the weather and don’t want to be bothered.

While sick with a cold this past week, I was asked by the Walmart attendant to produce a receipt for the carton of Mountain Dew at the bottom of the shopping cart I happened to be pushing out of the store.   The Mountain Dew was not my purchase, and the receipt for it was out in front of Walmart with the true owner who was smoking a cigarette.   I gave the attendant my receipt, explained that the other person was outside smoking, but I guess I looked so bad that she must have believed that I WOULD steal the Mountain Dew and so, while she held the cart hostage, I was forced to go retrieve the smoker’s receipt.   I wasn’t very pleasant when I shoved it towards her.  And IMMEDIATELY I felt horrible for having done so.

WHO WAS THIS PERSON THAT IS ME???   And, where do I hide now that I’ve shown my Cruella persona?   I make it a priority, USUALLY, to be nice to people, pleasant, smiling, friendly.   Am I faking??   Am I really a hideous person?

I left the store, but came back in to apologize…the attendant was on a break.  I explained to the person taking her place that I had been rude and I felt terrible about it, and that I wanted to make amends.    The kind person assured me that he would pass the message along.

I could relate more of these displays…but I think facing and mentioning one is more than enough for the moment.

There is an email that is passed around quite often…I’ve even printed it out and it’s hanging on my wall…I really love the message, here it is for posterity –>

“May today there be peace within. May you  trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget  the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.  May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has  been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are.  Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom  to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of  us.”

I wonder why it is that I can’t REMEMBER it when I need it.

Actually I know why…it is because I DO NOT PRACTICE!!!   In order for the NICE PERSON I WANT TO BE to be who I am, I have to PRACTICE the sentiment of the quote.   I want to meditate more.   Perhaps sitting and repeating this quote is a good place to start.

Sigh.

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